For quite some time, I've always thought my road was rather smooth. I attributed the occasional bumpiness to the vehicle I was travelling on, that the suspension systems may be faulty. Little did I realise that my own road is actually full of potholes, some that I intentionally close one eye on.
1. My Identity in the SAF
Over the past donkey years, I've had multiple identities and led multiple lives. On the forefront was my identity as an SAF regular, and it was the biggest identity of all. What started out as an I-don't-know-what-to-do-with-my-life job actually became the job of my life as I became a high flyer in the army. When I left the army to pursue this degree, I didn't leave with a grudge against the army, unlike 99% of the regulars that left.
I left the army with a longing hope that one day I could return to the force. In fact, I carried on that identity with me for the first year of my university life. Everything I said or did, I attributed it to my identity as an SAF regular. Being punctual for school? SAF regular habit. Ask no questions and perform? SAF regular habit. Distributing project tasking? SAF regular habit. It got so bad that people started disliking me for it. It got so bad in my own mind that I tried to sign on again, knowing full well that doing so will render what I learnt in my degree useless.
Finally, I think I'm ready to put that life behind me. New Zealand holds a special place in my heart, especially since back in 2019 when I was still a young regular, I spent 2 weeks in the North Island. So doing the South Island this time feels like a major throwback to my army life and the proper closure for that chapter. My packing style (ziplock bags), sleep routine (2230 sleep, 0530 wake up), long road marches with heavy backpack, are all direct results of what I was taught in SAF. So to really put SAF behind me, it took 34 days.
I thought to myself, if I don't renounce my identity in the SAF soon, my next job will never meet my expectations. Everything that I'm doing in life, I do it to the standards of SAF. Every job prospect I receive, I judge it with the standards of the SAF. With SAF on such a pedestal in my life, how can anything else ever compare?
I have to do better. I need to be better. Therefore, I'm ready to move beyond the force, I'm ready to take my leadership and discipline to the next level in the private sector. With the upcoming internship with Siemens, I hope I can evolve to be a better engineer, not just to the company, but to all the ground people working under me. I'm excited to bring what I learnt working on the ground for 5 years into my next position, and I believe I can inspire many more.
Solid steps include me trying my best not to mention "SAF" in my daily conversations, not to see myself having the responsibility to be a leader in different situations, reminding myself that I cannot save everyone (nor do I have the authority to anyway), to not geek out in everything SAF related, and probably to finally delete all the SAF engineering manuals that I still hold dear in my phone (that I occasionally open to reminisce the fun times).
Didn't think after 1 year I would still be in this transition phase, but as least now I'm moving forward.
2. Guitarist for a decade
2024 is gonna be the year I celebrate 10 years being an electric guitarist. Actually, I bought my first guitar in 2013 but only started seriously learning in 2014, when I was year 1 in Polytechnic. Back then, electric guitar was everything to me. I would spend hours each day learning how to play it, I would spend tons of money getting every gear I needed. If there was a guitar near me, you can bet I was already playing it.
I spent my years learning every Christian song I could play at my level. I recorded tons of covers, occasionally venturing out to non-Christian songs. I have a whole YouTube channel of those covers and a blog detailing every single move I made. I even bought MacBook Pros to produce better quality media. You can say that I was all-in during my music journey.
Forgive my distant memory, but I roughly remember auditioning twice for a spot in my church (Grace Assembly) worship team. I can only recall that both times were in my Polytechnic days. The first time I was rejected, I wasn't really that sad because I knew I'm still a noob. But the second time I got rejected, whew, I spent a week hating myself, spiralling into a lot of self-pity. It left such a bad taste in my mouth I can still remember the nastiness today.
Then it was a few years before I'd get to try for a spot in worship teams again. Come 2022, I was in a different church and I actually passed their electric guitar audition. I even already paid for their worship team training, but during the first lesson, I backed out, due to my insecurity that people would eventually reject me again. I didn't even want the refund, I just backed out.
Fast forward to recent times, I'm back in Grace Assembly. I struggled for a long time if I should even try their auditions again. Seeing that I now have nothing to lose, I went for it. And well, I got rejected, again. This time, it wasn't so much about my skill level, but more of them wanting a full professional that can start right away. Still, a no is a no.
Sad to say, it really struck a chord in me. 3 times (not counting the time in the other church), 3 times I tried and got rejected. This is the ultimate sign from God that this path isn't meant for me. I used to always believe that if I have the heart to serve, people would accept me. But of course, I forgot I also live in the real world where people are materialistic and only want the best. I'm nowhere near the best, and hence, I got what I deserved.
You know what, I'm actually relieved, because now I can move on from this extended dream. I wouldn't say wasted, but I have spent too many hours preparing for a stage that I can never stand on. These hours could have been better spent on things that matters, on people that matters. One thing that I couldn't let go, is the money I spent trying. Buying guitar and pedals is always a nett loss, no matter which angle I view it from. And now, selling everything would surely damage my pockets, but it's something I must do to prevent derailment.
Am I sad? Of course. Imagine someone telling you that whatever you did and believed in for a decade, is nothing more than a whiff of imagination. But I have come so far in life that electric guitar is no longer my top priority. I am now an engineer, a student, a leader, and in many ways, an inspiration. There are still so many areas that I can serve in, that serving as a worship guitarist doesn't seem fitting in my life anymore.
If the church don't want me, you can bet that there are still many others waiting on my particular skillsets in life. Service in church, service in the world, is all but same to me. As long as I'm improving lives, my heart and soul will be satisfied. If my own people don't need me, I'll devote my time to those who actually do. It's all the same to me.
This New Zealand trip, I wanted to carry a guitar home, just like my 2019 trip, when I lugged a huge ass guitar around for the last few days. But with this introspection, I figured I'd lug a suitcase full of souvenirs instead. My life is no longer about me and my dream, but is now focused on the people around me, and that, is all that matters.
3. Once a rider, always a rider
And if guitar wasn't such a huge part of my life still, then perhaps motorcycle is. If you have known me personally over the last one year or so, you would know that I have listed my motorcycle and taken down the listing on Carousell many times. It was a constant struggle of me trying to sell my motorcycle and me loving it too much to do it. I figured it would be an area of concern for me to reflect about in this New Zealand trip, and that is exactly what I did.
In those 34 days, I spent quite a huge amount of time on the roads, just not in the way everyone thinks. I walked everywhere, and in doing so, found myself walking on highways and most often or not, busy roads. What made me feel so much safer in Singapore is that, New Zealand drivers are much more courteous. If they see me jaywalking, they would actually stop for me to finish crossing. If they see other cars signal, they would slow down to allow them to filter in. They would queue long queues without honking.
In Singapore, everything is reversed. Jaywalkers are the bane of existence, signalling is a sign to speed up and close the gap, long queues means someone screwed up infront. For the first time in my life, my eyes were opened to the real danger of riding a motorcycle in Singapore. Sure, I have gotten into a few accidents in my life, even broke some bones, but my love for the Ninja 400 always trumps the injuries.
I spent a long time in New Zealand thinking about my next move regarding my motorcycle. Part of me knows that when I do get a degree holder job, I'll surely get a car, but another part of me just wants that adrenaline of feeling the wind in my face as I ride at blazing speeds. With my sudden realisation of road reality, the motorcycle life seems to be drifting further away.
I have made the active decision to ride only on weekends, where the roads are not so crowded and my mind is not in a rush. It will be a good mix of my love for riding, and my safety. Until I eventually own that car, this will be the solution for now. Besides, student concession ain't too expensive! Gotta maximise my benefits while it lasts!
4. Active Lifestyle
If you wonder how I find these topics to reflect on, I'll just tell you I actually took out my resume and see which areas in life are the ones consuming my soul unknowingly. In my resume, I listed bouldering and running as part of my interests, alongside guitar of course. In the life after SAF, I convinced myself that I’m gonna return to bouldering regularly and ramp up my weekly runs.
Bouldering was more of an unfulfilled aspiration that I missed back in the Polytechnic days, when I prioritised church over CCA and left the competitive team. Throughout the 5 years of army, I bouldered irregularly, almost like once every 2 months. I neither had the strength nor determination to commit to a consistent schedule. After ORD, I felt the need to blame the system for taking up most of my time, not realising that I wasn’t practising what I preached when it came to time management.
Running, on the other hand, is a habit I brought out of the SAF and I could say, another identity too. I was an IPPT gold soldier for all my life. I took pride in my morning exercises and sometimes will get angry if others take it as a joke. Not one time did I consider to take it easy for the morning runs. I would often reach the finish line first and then u-turn to run alongside the last few men. Running was, and will always be my life’s number 1 exercise.
As if two routines aren’t enough, I added swimming into the equation, all in an effort to “be a role model as an ex-SAF regular”. Wow, that sounds real stupid now that I’m reading it out. Why did I even attribute what I love to what I’m expected to do? That is just so unfair to myself. To be better, I need to change this mindset.
SAF didn’t take away my time for bouldering, nor did they make me a runner. Everything I initially thought is all in my own head. I love bouldering as much as I love running. Often, I do both alone because those are my little escapes in life, the only few moments I feel truly free.
New Zealand was a good example about the heights I’m willing to reach (literally) to further bring out the adventurous side of me. Never have I ever felt more free doing the things I love. Suffice to say, I'll probably be keeping up with this lifestyle for as long as I can.
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